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To subscribe, send a blank email to: nursingjokes-subscribe@topica.com ****************************************************** Translating Men, What They Say & What They Mean, Battle of The Sexes "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "I'm going hunting" Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)" "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." "I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me." "Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." ****************************************************** ****************************************************** Home Repairs, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.home.repairs.htm ****************************************************** Why Cats Are Better Than Men, Battles of The Sexes Jokes, Cat-Pet Humor: http://www.4nursing.com/humor-battle-of-the-sexes-why-cats-are-better-than-men.html ****************************************************** 25 Year Old Breasts, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.4nursing.com/humor-battle-of-the-sexes-25-year-old-breasts.html ****************************************************** Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Top Ten Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/created ****************************************************** 17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man, Battle of The Sexes: http://www.nursinghumor.com/ ****************************************************** The Perfect Man, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.a.divorced.perfect.man.htm ****************************************************** Name Calling, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.name.calling.htm ****************************************************** A Real Lady, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Infidelity Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/lady ****************************************************** A Woman Thirty Years Younger, Marriage Jokes, Battle of the Sexes Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/younger ****************************************************** Mating Bulls, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.mating.bulls.htm ****************************************************** Five Kinds of Sex, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.five.kinds.of.sex.htm ****************************************************** Men Are Like . . ., Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.men.are.like.htm ****************************************************** Following Orders, Battle of the Sexes Jokes, Gallows Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/gallows.dark.following.orders.htm ****************************************************** Top Fourteen Things PMS Stands For, Top Ten Jokes, Battle of The Sexes Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/pms ****************************************************** The Escapee, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.escapee.htm ****************************************************** Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.why.pumpkins.are.better.than.men.htm ****************************************************** The Blind Date, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Geriatrics Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle_of_the_sexes.the.blind.date.htm ****************************************************** The New Girlfriend, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.new.girlfriend.htm ****************************************************** Pros of Being A Woman, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.pros.of.being.a.woman.htm ****************************************************** If You Love It, Set It Free, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.if.you.love.it.set.it.free.htm ****************************************************** A Divorced Woman's Perfect Breakfast, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Divorce Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.a.divorced.womans.perfect.breakfast.htm ****************************************************** How To Impress, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.how.to.impress.htm ****************************************************** Great Female Comebacks, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/ ****************************************************** His and Her Road Trip, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/battle/ ****************************************************** Generation Gap, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Parenting Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/parenting.parents.jokes.generation.gap.htm ****************************************************** And You Wonder "Why" It Didn't Last, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Divorce Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.and.you.wonder.why.it.didnt.last.htm ****************************************************** Because I'm A Guy, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.because.im.a.guy.htm ****************************************************** The Gentleman On The Bus, Battle of The Sexes Jokes & Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/gentleman ****************************************************** If Men Got Pregnant, Battle Of The Sexes Jokes, Pregnancy Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/if ****************************************************** A Man, His Wife, and The Cop, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/cop ****************************************************** If Men Wrote The Rules, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/wrote 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****************************************************** I Just Want You To Hold Me Tonight http://www.nursinghumor.com/me ****************************************************** A Dictionary of Dating http://www.nursinghumor.com/dating ****************************************************** Translating Men, What They Say & What They Really Mean: http://www.nursinghumor.com/translating ****************************************************** I am glad I am a man, I am glad I am a woman: http://www.nursinghumor.com/glad ****************************************************** Male Bashing: http://www.nursinghumor.com/bashing ****************************************************** Two Gifts For Adam & Eve, Battle of The Sexes, Nursing & Medical Jokes & Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/gifts ****************************************************** Why Men Can't Win http://www.nursinghumor.com/win ****************************************************** Why We Appreciate Men, A Woman's Perspective 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Our free articles will help you plan every aspect including bachelorette party ideas, games, party favors, drinks and food for your bachelorette party or sorority party. From party supplies to the party favors, we'll help make your bachelorette party a very memorable one." I-VOLUTION, INC. 9420 Reseda Boulevard Suite 510 Northridge, CA 91324 Bachelorette@bachelorettepartyfun.com, 818-718-1104 or Fax us at 818-993-8358. http://www.bachelorettepartyfun.com/ ****************************************************** Viagra Jokes: http://www.net2business.com/humor/viagra.html ****************************************************** ****************************************************** Nursing Topics, A to Z: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K L, M, N, O, P, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z If your website is not listed here, we encourage you to submit it: Add Your Website/URL. See also: Nursing Degrees, LPN-RN, RN-BSN, RN-MSN, Online/Offline College, University and more!:"Higher income. Career mobility. Now, no matter where you live or what your schedule, you can earn your Associate or Bachelor Degree to take your professional life to the next level — without putting the rest of your life on hold!" If you do any Browsing or Windowshopping online, please visit our online Mall: http://www.nursefriendly.com/shopping/ Gifts For Nurses: http://www.nursefriendly.com/gifts/ 4nursinguniforms.com:"Choose from Top Nursing Uniform Companies. All sizes, styles and popular name brands available. Large selection of accessories as well: Accessories Blood Pressure Cuffs, Sphygnomanometers Nursing Tote Bags, Carry-Ons, Medical Bags Clinical, Medical Supplies, Nurses Discount Outlet: Angels, Books, Clothing , Equipment, Figurines, Holidays, Home Decor, Jewelry, Nurses, Office Decor, Scrubs, Shoes, T-Shirts Footwear, Shoes, Sandals, Discount, Bargains Gifts For Nurses (Nurses Week) Hosiery, Socks, Stockings Hats, Jackets, Jumpers Jewelry, Earrings, Necklaces, Watches Luxury Spas, Facials, Manicures, Pedicures Perfumes, Fragrances, Phermones Shoes, Boots, Sandals, Footwear, High Heels, Slippers Stethescopes, Nurse Kits, Replacement Parts Swimwear (Tan-Through) Women's Lingerie " 4nursinguniforms.com Nurses' Station:"The idea for the Nurses' Station Catalog was conceived in 1989. After searching the marketplace in response to customer inquiries, it became obvious that there were no catalogs of this type serving the nursing profession. To be sure, there were several catalogs offering nurse's uniforms and a smattering of professional items. But there weren't any catalogs at the time offering a range of gifts, clothing, professional items, name badges, shoes and scrubs for nurses. It took two years of hard work to gather samples and put a together a catalog of the most unique and high-quality items for nurses." Nurses Station P.O. 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These products contribute to the nursing shortage, a public health crisis that threatens millions worldwide." http://www.truthaboutnursing.org/letters/er/ House, MD:"The main patient in tonight's episode of Fox's House was a nurse who believed that a cat tended to sit with those who were about to die--including, recently, the nurse herself. That may not sound like a promising vehicle for House to improve its abysmal portrayal of nursing. But the show actually presents the nurse as someone with health knowledge. And her search for meaning in faith, for some reason in tragic events, is a real counterpoint to House's cold rationality. Indeed, despite the obvious potential for mockery in the cat angle, the mighty House treats the nurse with considerable respect--he seems to care what she thinks, or at least to find her views unnerving. Of course, the nurse plays no real clinical role in the episode, and no other nurses do either. So the episode suggests, as usual, that physicians provide all important care in hospital settings, including all meaningful psychosocial and physical care. Still, any suggestion that intelligent life resides in a nurse is a welcome departure for House (and for the episode's writer Peter Blake, who also penned a November 2005 House episode that was notable for its physician glorification and its casual contempt for other health professions). Tonight's episode, "Here Kitty," drew 13.1 million U.S. viewers. more... see the relevant film clips... and please join our letter writing campaign!" http://www.truthaboutnursing.org/letters/house/ Private Practice:"ABC's Private Practice, whose season ends tomorrow, April 30, may be the only broadcast network show with a major nurse character to return next season. In the February 5 episode (Mike Ostrowski's "Acceptance," 13 million U.S. viewers), lone nurse character Dell Parker, who is studying to be a midwife, shows some tentative clinical aptitude and knowledge to go with his boyish eagerness. Under the close supervision of OB/GYN Addison Montgomery, Dell ably performs a vacuum-assisted delivery. Later he haltingly guides the baby's parents toward breastfeeding. Dell also performs an assured solo ultrasound of pregnant psychiatrist Violet Turner, calming her panic attack and eliciting her agreement to his own suggestion that, though he's "not a doctor," he will likely become a "pretty good midwife." The show still condescends to Dell, who is also the office manager/receptionist at the LA clinic where the show is set. In the March 26 episode (Craig Turk's "Do the Right Thing," 10.1 million U.S. viewers)," http://www.truthaboutnursing.org/letters/pp/ "Scrubs" defines nursing:""Scrubs" defines nursing: it's all about shutting up and following physician "orders. " Tonight's episode of NBC's "Scrubs," which purports to teach nurse Carla Espinosa that nursing is all about doing what physicians tell you, is one of the most virulently anti-nurse prime time television episodes the Center has ever seen. more..." http://www.truthaboutnursing.org/news/2009/may/06_scrubs.html To subscribe to our: Nurse Friendly Notes Newsletter: Send a blank e-mail to: nursefriendlynotes-subscribe@topica.com http://www.nursefriendly.com Nursing Jokes, Medical Humor, Jokes to make you laugh and smile all day. 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Please contact us for permission to reproduce. Other products and companies referred to herein are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies or mark holders, and are not owned or affiliated with Nursefriendly, Inc. or any of it's affiliated companies. View My Stats